Welcome to the Girls Horror Club!

The Girl's Horror Club - A guide and review of horror and scary movies by a girl. Yes, A GIRL!. Consider this the 'Oprah's Book Club' of the horror world, where everyone is welcome to discuss, rant and rave about their favorites, and not so favorites.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Witchboard - No witches, very bored....

Okay, not a lot of films piss me off, even the remakes don't make me as mad as this 1986 crapfest. When I went to imdb.com to see what the reaction to this movie was, I knew that I might piss some people off by saying this film sucked. Well it did. And it is one of those worth watching because of that.

I will give it credit for trying the pscyhological approach to scaring people, but that really doesn't matter when it doesn't scare all that much. Starring Tawny Kitaen (yeah) as a woman that is introduced to the mystic art of the ouija. The movie starts with a very pretentious 80's party, where Tawny is overly dressed up compared to her guests, when her ex-boyfriend Brandon, whips out his ouija board. I hate this guy. Nothing gets my panties in a twist more than when this guy goes into a 5 minute speel about his ouija, correcting people and acting all holier than thou. Seriously, this is the guy you wished you didn't invite to you own party. Tawny's fiance, Jim, even mentions this before, during AND after!

So you are probably asking why I get so irrate with him. The fact that he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about when it comes to ouija boards. It has to be a man and a woman using it? What!? Never heard that one before, and I have been around one all my life. And the fact that the guy contradicts himself when he said the name ouija is the combination of oui (french) and ja (german) for yes, then almost immediately says it wrong and butchers both languages. And since when do you have to have it on your lap? Oh, and that a spirit attaches itself to one board only (which the movie proves itself wrong nearer the end). I think all of this was an attempt to get back with Tawny. Anyways, they contact the spirit of a ten year old boy, and that pretty much tanked the party. Jim is the only 'sensible' one, dismissing the ouija's powers to the point of being a complete asshole.

Once I get past this, and calm down, it isn't that bad. Brandon accidentally leaves his precious ouija board at Tawny's house, and she decides to use it on her own. Tsk tsk, naughty Tawny! The story continues with Tawny using the ouija board, thinking she is still talking to the little boy, when in fact she is talking to this creepy old evil spirit. There is a side story about Tawny being pregnant, but it was an effect of using the ouija by herself. Wow, that never happened to the people that I know that has used one lol. Some evil stuff starts happening after this, like Jim's co-worker dies, and Tawny starts cussing and acting violently for the first time ever. Wow. Maybe that is why she beat up her husband in 2002.

Brandon, being the self imposed ouija expert, decides to bring in a pscyhic to help expell the demons. Oh my god, it's like they brought in a punk version of Janine from Ghostbusters. Well, needless to say it didn't work, and she was taken home. I swear to god if I hear 'Just a little pscyhic humor' again I will kill someone. The ghost must have been pissed off at her too, cause he threw her out the window, and she got impaled on a fencepost. My husband then brilliantly said 'Just a little psychic humor!' MST3K moment there :)

In an attempt to help a now possessed Tawny, Jim and Brandon get the brilliant idea of going to the lake where the little boy died and using a different ouija board. Brandon clarifies this by saying it is okay to use a different board because they are so close to the death site. Yeah, that is like frosting a turd. Anyways, the evil spirit must have gotten sick of Brandon's crap, cause he did him in with a close up camera shot to the back of the head. I felt bad for Jim, he had to go back to his house alone and deal with a possessed Tawny.

The movie ends with Jim having to deal with his wife being possessed, and whether or not to shoot her. He shoots the ouija board instead, and they move away. The neighbors are cleaning up the house (apartment?) and started thinking the ouija board would be fun to play with. Wink-wah!

If you are having a horror movie night with friends, this would be a good one to choose. It is bad, has some good points, and you can make fun of it at the same time. And if you are one of those that looks for the boobies in films, it is 1 hour, 26 min into the film, in the shower.

I am convinced that this movie is the direct result of Tawny seeking help from Dr. Drew on Celebrity Rehab. But don't take my word on it....

I give it impaled psychics out of ten.

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